my brick in the wall.....

11:58pm: apathy loves me.. i dont give a shit about it..
i dont know why i've been so blah lately. i seem to have no motivation to do anything anymore. it used to be that i was either in class, at work, with jess or other friends, or working on my car. as of late, however, it seems that all i have done is sit around.

i've got a few projects going with my car that i havent finished--fitting the sides of my body kit for either paint or sale, the fiberglass light/wire mounts i had wanted to put under my seats, as well as finishing the interior door handles being painted.. plus, i have LEDs i was going to wire in to the dome light, but i've ditched that idea because i'll have fun getting under my headliner--that sunroof is in the way..

the last time i actually went out was with jess, last wednesday.. it was a lot of fun, and i enjoyed it.. although, i was confused at the end of the night, because we seemed to be so much closer--emotionally and physically--than we were for the last couple months of our relationship.. part of me hated it, seeing it as that one last reminder of what we had, and i almost felt like i'd lost her again.. however, the other part of me thoroughly enjoyed being with her, choosing more to see it as our glorious goodbye..

i think part of the reason ive felt so apathetic is because of the way ive handled everything since jess and i broke up.. at first, i wanted to give her some space, because she said she wanted to spend more time with her friends.. but she called me almost every night and as time went on, we started talking more and i began wondering if there could be more for us in the future.. i kept this state of mind up through the last night we were together.. ever since, ive reverted back to giving her space, because she'd told me before that she wanted to spend the first week or so without 'calling home' so she wouldnt be missing out on the opportunity to meet new people.. once again, however, she's been talking to me on MSN.. now, this isnt a problem at all, i just wish i knew what she really wanted--space and time, or for things to go as they will without anybody holding back, because i feel like i have to hold back on my feelings around her, because im trying my best to be strong for her.. everything is changing for her so much, and i dont know how she's taking it, so i want to be here for her if she needs me, but i dont know if i can do that the way she needs because i have to keep from showing her how much i miss her.

i know i need to talk to her, but i dont want to tell her how i really feel, not just yet.. i wanna see how she is when i go visit her next weekend.. maybe after that i'll figure something out..

11:41pm: how do you fight for what you believe in, when what you believe in only fights back?
super bowl 39... the patriots won yet again, damn them...


other than that, tonight was such shit... last night jess and i were fighting over stupid things... here's a brief list

--while walking thru the mall, she had my arm held so tight that my course of walking was being pulled toward her... she then yells at me for 'pushing her in to maggie' and when i tell her its cuz shes got my arm, she pushes me away and says 'fine, walk over there'
--i called david while we were waiting to eat dinner to see what he was doing, so i could get his opinion on jess's valentines gift, which i bought at the mall... he called us losers cuz we werent going to the party with him on MU campus, and jess says to maggie 'id rather be a loser than a fag' then later she gets on to me for telling sam that david is 'pretty gay'...
--tonight while at rachael's, she was layin there not saying much so i asked her if she was ok, not upset or anything.... she was like 'not really'.... well, last week she yelled at me for not telling her when something was wrong
--tonight she told me that she saw alexis and kolin, jenifer and phil laying around cuddling, yet i wasnt cuddling much with her.... cuz every time i tried, i either hit a bruise, pushed too hard on her ribs, pulled her hair, or whatever... and i got tired of her getting on to me for hurting her so i just didnt try...

so tonight when i took her home, we sat in my car in her driveway talking..... before we got anywhere her mom called her, and when jess told her we were sitting in the driveway, she was told to 'come inside right now, by yourself, so you can go to bed'.... what the hell, we were trying to work things out, we werent making out... and the 'by yourself' was just because her mom hates me walking her to the door, she thinks we should just pull in the driveway, jess get out and walk inside..... im surprised she doesnt want me to just drive by, slow down so jess can jump, and keep going.....

anyway, jess gets out of my car, tells me we can talk about things tomorrow, and when i tell her that i love her, she slams my car door and walks off...

so as i pull back on to the highway on my way home, im doing 60 in a 55, pretty much crying because im so scared im going to lose the best girl ive ever known... to top things off, its raining.... at this point im like 'ok stop being such a damn emo cliche' so i call billy to talk to him, and well he's doing homework... first thought was 'ah, so much for the 'if you ever need me just call me' thing' but then im like no, stop being so damn selfish, he's got homework to do....

so i keep going, and when i get off the highway on to the main road in town (morley for those who live here) i see this car coming up really fast behind me.... then right as i go 'oh shit its a cop' i see the lights come on.... so i got fucking pulled over for the first time EVER!!!

luckily, he let me go with a warning.... thank god.... if it had been a ticket, i'd fucking ground myself from the computer and the cell phone until i either learned to drive better or until my insurance dropped... well lucky me i got a warning, cuz about the time i learn to drive more carefully i'll be around 25, which is when my insurance rates drop...




so now, im listening to some of the more emotional songs on my current playlist.... howie day - collide, snow patrol - run, sense field - save yourself, straylight run - existentialism on prom night...

on top of that, im second guessing myself on a lot of things... mainly do i go thru with the valentines gift i bought jess... for those who dont know, in our 2 years (and 3 months for those who care) ive not gotten her a promise ring (no way in hell im getting her an engagement ring, im 19, shes 18... nu uh no way aint happenin, not until i can financially support a family.... basically once im out of college i'll start thinking about things like that....) but i got her a nice little white gold ring with 3 diamonds on it, i wanna say each diamond is only 3/4 karat but i cant remember...and you know me im too lazy to pull out the certificat on it... well anyway, its not the flashiest or most expensive thing out there, but its the best i could do... i dont know if its going to be enough... im afriad that everything i can do now is just too little too late...

im scared to death that right now my relationship with her is going to be very very hard to fix... we fight over the stupidest things, and its constant.... it seems the only time we dont fight is when we're fooling around... and no, you shouldnt take that the wrong way people, we're not fucking like rabbits, but we're not monks/nuns either...

so im just scared that im not good enough for her anymore... sam told me that i cant expect her to think that until i myself think so... but its hard for me to tell myself that i deserve her when i screw up every single thing i try to do...

in the mean time im going to try not to worry about it... im going to carry the ring in my pocket so i can constantly remind myself why im changing myself so much........ because i want Jessica (last name censored cuz i dont fully trust the internet with full names) in my future.. i really do......

3:06pm:
you're dashboard confessional! emo to the core,
you're not afraid to show your feelings. you're
so emo you make other people cry with stories
of unfaithful partners and hard break-ups.
congrats.


What Emo Band Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hmm... so im not the biggest fan of DBC...

anyway, for those who dont know, jess and i have been having some issues the past few weeks, mostly because i havent been on time much to pick her up.... well after we talked about that, i've actually been EARLY every time... she made a comment to one of her friends about how im "always late" and it pissed me off because lately i havent, and because i feel like she doesnt appreciate the things i do for her and the changes im making to help our relationship work....

well, now im sick....... i mean like scratchy throat, i sound like satan with a growl, i look 100x better than i feel (cuz i sure as hell dont FEEL boyishly handsome, thats for sure) and of course there's the constant coughing up of my lungs....

it'll be friday before jess and i get to actually sit and talk about things, and it seems so far away...

i know we'll make it thru this tho.... we better, because this saturday we're going to columbia with sam and maggie (who we tried to 'hook up' but for reasons unbeknownst to me, they wont go out... she likes him, but he says he wont go out with her....) but anyway, my reason for wanting to go is so that i can finally buy jessica the promise ring ive been wanting to get for her so badly..

ive got somewhere around $345-$380, i owe $250 for insurance.. that leaves me at $95-$130.... not what i'd want to spend, but its the best i can do, and when i start getting past the hump of insurance (it wont be due again until june) i can save up more money to get her something better later on... im not sure if im going to go with a 2.5yr/prom thing, graduation gift, or a dorm-warming thing.... but i'll try to make it nicer than what i've done for her so far...

i really care about her, and being on the borderline between fighting and made up (cuz we're not fighting, but we're not totally over it) ive realized just how much she truely means to me... i really really want her in my future (wow, thats the first time ive ever said that and not second guessed myself.........) i want her to remain as special to me as she is now, because she's become a part of me that i can't replace if i lose her... its almost like she's found a soft spot on my heart, and if she's not there it will callous over and i wont feel the same...



zoinks yo, i just proved that damn quiz right

11:20pm: do people even read this?

i know some of you do.... but you dont reply, prolly cuz you're too fucking lazy to.....

the rest of you just dont give a shit, so if i dont see anything replied to on here by the end of the year (sometime january 1 is when i'll look again) then im just not gonna waste time any more...

this isnt just for me to spill my guts, but for me to get comments from those of you i care about, but if you're too damn (insert derogitory adjective here) to bother, why should i?

2:03am: stole it from Rich.....
Step 1: Put your playlist on random.
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 30 songs that play.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly.



1. The only thing I'll ever ask of you, you've got to promise not to stop when I say when
2. By the time you hear the siren It's already too late. One goes to the morgue and the other to jail. One guy's wasted and the other's a waste.
3. Guilty as charged, I've been convicted and tried. Was it too much to ask for you to take my side?
4. But I remember when, you would never lie to a friend cause you were so high, you were so shy, you were so fucked up anyway
5. She sees my good deeds And she kisses me windy, I never worry Now that is a lie
6. Now every face looks familiar, found every face would melt away until, now. Everyone, do you know? I know your deception.
7. Don’t turn away, what are you looking at? He was so happy on the day that he met her. Say, what are you looking at? I was a superman, the looks are deceiving
8. Damn man, come on and sell your seconds. No one can make ya, make ya break ya. Anyway anyway anyway I make ya, they'll crown me
9. I took my time, hurried up, the choice was mine I didn't think enough.
10. Liberate my madness -------(ok, to me it sounds more like 'liberate bananas' but... whatever)
11. get out i'm scared, for the moment but i know you'll be there. well i'm scared for the moment but i know you'll be there
12. Get the pussy like I'm married and send her home with the cock swoll, did her pops know? Little girl that he tryna protect was in the crib doin porno
13. I turn my face You're staring back again. Look at yourself and live again
14. Do you feel singled out? Do you feel less than all the rest? you know its interchangable, the spotlight and the pain
15. I'm your dream, make you real, im your eyes when you must steal.
16. I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
17. No more can they keep us in. Listen, damn it, we will win. They see it right, they see it well. but they think this saves us from our hell
18. I found what I've been seeking It's too late for me to care My aspiration's leaking From a hole I can't repair
19. blue on black, tears on a river, push on a shove, it dont mean much
20. take so much away from inside you, makes no sence, you know he can't guide you, he's your fucking shoulder to lean on, be strong!
21. i wish i had a reason, my flaws are open season, for this i gave up trying, one good turn deserves my dying..
22. There are no friends to cheer him up and no girls, no sweet romance. It's impossible to expand, when you never get a second chance
23. but I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive, even if signs seem to tell me otherwise.
24. I want to take you through a wasteland I like to call my home....Welcome To Paradise
25. Maybe you don't give a shit for the rest of us But if you do, the time is now, if it ever was If you're gonna fight, whatcha gonna do? Jump da fuck up!
26. you better start sniffin your own rank subjugation jack, cuz its just you against your tattered libido, the bank, and the mortician forever man and it wouldnt be luck if you could get out of life alive
27. My devil's on sugared smacks Down at the radio shack. We're turning shit into solid gold, solid gold
28. I can't invest my time, I've tried it all and I'm tired of trying. Saw it all and I can't deny, It's a hard life living a lie
29. Power and glory in the name of the enemy, You sell your restless casualty for power and glory
30. Now I'm not looking for absolution, Or forgiveness for the things I do. But before we come to any conclusions, Try walking in my shoes.

10:38pm: edited.....

i somehow posted this on the wrong journal..... how the FUCK do i do that?!

10:07pm: *insert sigh of relief here*
so after a long day of turkey and families, jess and i got to talk...

she wanted to talk about how she wants to change some things, cuz she feels that our social events are becoming 'routine' cuz, well, they are... lol, we usually come back here and watch movies, her falling asleep on the couch, or we go to columbia and go to the coffee house, which is fun but unless we've got like 5-6 people with us, its boring..

we talked about that, decided we do need to do different things... so thats fine :)

then we talked about how i was worried about it, and how i cried myself to sleep on monday cuz i was scared she was becoming discontent with our relationship... i told her it wasnt just her, and it wasnt... monday i was at the funeral of a woman who treated me like her own grandkid even tho i wasnt... between that and the thought of losing jess, mixed with an inconveniently timed playing of "promise" by matchbook romance, i broke down and cried... it was a good, healthy cry tho, made me realize i hadnt just cried since my grandma died in june of 02, about 4 months before i met jess (and about 2.5 years ago)

jess apologized for making me cry, and said that she couldnt stop thinking about it, said that she kept replaying one night when i took her home after a night of fighting and she could feel by the way i was breathing that i was upset...

after that, the topic changed to how next fall she'll be an hour north at college and i'll still be here in grand old moberly *thumbs down*... then, by fall 06 i'll be an additional hour south of here, making 2 hours between us... this led to the talk of how i feel that her mom and grandma dont want us together, cuz they're always talking about how her cousin justin (year older than me, at the same college jess is going to) can "introduce jess to some of his friends" which pisses jess off, cuz justin tells stories of girls passing out in his dorm room cuz they're so drunk they think they're 4 floors up and cant walk...

jess said that she doesnt want to date any of their friends, cuz they're all the "preppy party-goer" type...

then, we talked about how things can change while away at college... she wants to find herself, as do i... we both agree that we want to remain in the relationship, but there's always the chance that things will change... so i told her that whatever she decides, i'll support her... but, if she decides to end things between us, i'll be really upset, but will get over it cuz there's no point in crying over someone who doesnt want you...

by this point we're in her driveway... i told her that im scared, because ive never felt so strongly for somebody, and i told her that i love her so much more than i ever thought possible... she responded by burying her face in my shoulder and wrapping her arms around my neck... finally we get to the door, she apologizes for making me cry, but says 'if it means anything, you just got me back, but out of happiness'

so i really feel SO much better... im continuing my plan of birthday and christmas gifts for her, and im going to end this year making her feel happier than she ever has before...




that in itself is the only thing i want this christmas... forget the material things, i just want to see the look in her eye when i give her the promise ring im going to get (in the next couple weeks, prolly day after finals) and i want her to feel utter joy when i promise to be everything i can for her... i really love that girl, so much...

6:00pm: people make me sick
im at work, monday 6:45.... i go in to lock up the computer lab, see people are downloading EVEN MORE music, anime(cant stand that shit anyway) movies, and PORN....

so this time i check to see where the files are located.... the PCs have 2 drives, the C which has the operating system on it, and is protected by DriveShield so nothin is saved after the computer is shut off... the other drive has all the documents and stuff that students can save, so this drive is NOT protected.....

sure enough, they're saving to the unprotected one.... so i went in and manually deleted almost 200 files of music, anime, movies, and porn so grotesque not even *I* would volunatarily watch it... im talking HORSES and shit.... literally, shit....

so im very pissed off right now, and ive seen this going on for a few weeks, but only last week had it evolved to PORN.. i figure ive deleted it now, they should know they've been caught now... if they STILL persist, i'll report it and more than likely they will have their computer privileges taken away, but hopefully worse.....

on top of that, my day was horrible.... i went to Violet's funeral, and she didnt even look like her (not that she has for a year or more, in her illness and all) but, besides that i hate seeing people suffer....

thats why when i die, i want somebody to train a monkey to act like me... hell, im sure the monkey'll even look better, so its best for everyone :)

i just fucking hate funerals, they're so damn depressing, i hate it...





im now at home, and im editing this cuz i really need to get it out there....

jess and i were on the phone like we are every night, and she says "wednesday, i wanna talk to you" so the following convo insued...

me: 'bout what?'
her: 'bout how i feel.....'
me: '...........bout what?'
her: 'the way things are going.....i talked to my friends about it but they didnt know, so i think if i talk to you about it...............'
me: 'hmm... dont like the way that sounds'
her: 'why not?'
me: 'thats never followed by anything good...'
her: 'well dont worry about it... now i wish i hadnt said anything'

then before we got off the phone, she made me promise not to worry... well im not worried, im more scared :(

those of you who know me, know that it takes a lot to come between me and her..



i dont know what to do, but my first instinct is to just disappear....

12:55pm: bads come in 3's... ive seen 2 happen to people i care about, whats going to be my 3?
you know the old saying "bad things happen in 3s" ?

2 down, one to go...

last night Jess and i were gonna rent movies, get some food, come back here and watch a movie..... well, she was going to go order her Senior Pictures today (ive got em on my computer, if you wanna see em just ask) but, she needed money from her father to do so... she called him last week telling him she'd be at burger king every night during the week, he said he'd call her to see if she was there or not.........well, last night she called him to tell him she needed the money by this morning.... he starts throwing a fit about her 'never being at burger king' when he never called... well we met at burger king and she got the money.. he was like 'i drove by like 5 times never saw your car this week' cuz really, he's looking for the 93 Grand Am he bought her.... had a salvage title, was a piece of shit... he didnt know she paid $3k plus a $3k loan for a 97 Camry... i was biting my tongue to keep from laughing when he said that...

so after he left, she was in tears from yelling and frustration... it kills me to see her upset, especially because her father (she calls him dad, but in my eyes he isnt, her stepdad is more of a dad to her, yet she calls him Vic)



then this morning, my mom wakes me up... her brother called her because his wife's (my mom's sister-in-law's) mom had passed away...

so the funeral for her will probably be monday, and im going to be a pall bearer...




why do grandparents always die around thanksgiving?

2 years ago, my dads dad passed away on november 30... if my grandma had lived another day, she would have gone exactly 6 months after my grandpa......




so in the meantime, i think im still going out with jess, troy, and donnell tonight.. last thing i need is to be moping around... i hate being at home, especially when i had plans arranged, and when sad times are afoot..

8:29pm: ok, so i havent actually done anything on this yet.... oh well...

so, im watching the stats of the sox/yanks game... sox are up 6-0 thanks to ortiz's 2 run HR in the first,and damon's 4run GRAND FUCKING SLAM in the second...

my cards won earlier, so im happy about that...

i need to start shopping for jess for our 2 year... im still not sure what im going to get her tho.. if any of you have ideas let me know.... im going with a theme tho...

2 year: october 28-- past..
birthday: dec 21-- present..
christmas: well duh-- future..


the only one im not sure about is the 'past' which blows cuz i have less time to work on it, lol... oh well, if anyone can pull something out of their ass........................its not me, i dont ahve things up my ass..... anywhore... only like 20 minutes til i can leave work...


yyyyyayaaayyyyyyy
[/special ed]